This is NOT an EMERGENCY!

*This is the author's attempt to creatively narrate his experiences in a storybook-like first person style. Some parts may be purely fictitious, while other parts are based on true events.

"...We must calculate the force acting on each....", no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to recall what was said before or after. The weather didn't help at all, being typically Malaysian; sunny, hot and sleep-inducing.

"And there's Fast and Furious 4, The International, and heck I haven't even had the chance to watch The Watchmen yet," With the holidays coming up the following week, I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and fighting the urge to sleep at the same time. "Hmm...and what's that guy with the video camera doing."

"About our report, how should it be done?" God, this was taking too long. This group discussion had effectively become the G8 Emergency summit on the Global Financial Crisis.

Then it went off. The P.A. system which I never knew existed throughout the whole university campus. The first time hearing it was shock and awe, literally. It was like Wow, since when did we have this P.A system and what in the world is it saying now? Then it started getting irritating. The phrases "THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT USE THE ELEVATORS" kept repeating itself like a spoilt tape recorder.

"PLEASE EVACUATE TO THE ASSEMBLY POINT IMMEDIATELY," I was snapped back into reality. My god, it really sounds like a nagging middle-aged woman screaming loud and clear into my ear. Kein Yip had already stuffed everything inside his bag and was ready to run for his life. I followed suit, what else could I do. The stairways were already getting congested with confused and bewildered students, made worse by the mantra of the P.A. system.

"YOUR CAMERA PHONE. HELLOoooo ANYONE OUT THERE HEAR ME?" Oh fuck, that voice in my head had been trying to tell me something the very moment that dumb P.A. system erupted to life.

Out came my phone and I started video recording the whole racket. On the way downstairs, creative suggestions kept popping out. From illegal Opposition gatherings, to a bomb threat, and there was even mention of this being MTV's Punk'd where Ashton Kutcher would pop out from the top of a roof with a loudhailer and yell "YOU'VE JUST GOT PUNK'D!"

Then I saw the video camera. Everything fell into place. It! Is! A! Drill! In my so-called state of 'excitement', I think I inadvertently yelled some explicitness at the camera. Hopefully my face wasn't captured. Heck, even if it did, I can still refer to PK Lingam's Ultimate Book of Deniability for Dummies for help.

A crowd? Already? Like die-hard fans waiting for Led Zeppelin, three days before the concert. Like the millions of people doing the Haj. Or like some anti-government gathering organized by the Opposition. Damn it, and the hot and sunny sun didn't look sleep-inviting anymore. More like skin cancer-inducing.

"You you, which building are you from?"

"Huh?"

"Which building were you in when you heard the alarm?" a staff in a cool reflective jacket asked.

"Er, nine?"

"Okay, nine is over there," he pointed. "Now go there and please don't stand around in the middle."

What middle? There's a fucking middle in this, this sea of people? I ignored him and continued standing around, in the middle, watching the staff helping fainted students.

After what seemed like two and a half eternities, a Chinese guy with a faulty loudhailer came to address us. Okaay...not really what I imagined the Malaysian version of Ashton Kutcher to be, but heck, let's see what he has to say.

(*Irritating feedback from faulty loudhailer*)

"You jes got pang. YOU, jusgotpang'd. YOU!GOT!PUNK'D!" All the variants of the famous phrase flew through my mind. Ah Beng slang, Deutchland slang, Indian slang, even a Chinese version of it.

"Thank you for your utmost cooperation for today's fire drill. You all made it out very fast and I'm glad to say that everyone has done a good job. Now everyone can go back," Mr ChineseGuyWhoseNameIDunno clapped. My, that was anti-climatic.

"This would make a great blog post." Yeah, I don't need you to tell me that, now shut up voice, it's getting creepy.

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Pictars - or it didn't happen

Oh wow look! I haz videos too!