Of Conspiracy Theories

2008. Compared to 60 years ago, EVERYTHING is going on hyperdrive. Okaay, maybe Leung Keet's brain will still be slow, but fuck it. : )

Anyways, in the midst of the hectic lifestyle of the 21^st century, fast food has become the "it" thing. People choosing fast food "think" they're getting their food fast, but they have totally no idea that fast food actually stands for "faster-die-food". I'll go one step further in trying to explain this. Listen properly or you'll miss it.

It'sActuallyATopSecretGovernmentPlanForPopulationControlTheGovernment-
-HandedOutContractsToDifferentCompaniesToCarryOutTheirAtrociousPlan.

Don't say I didn't ask you to listen properly. Anyways, fat-food (n0pe, that's NOT a typo) chains are popping up everywhere. Nandos®, Kenny Rogers®, McDonalds® just to name a few.

Conspiracy-theorists have nothing better to do. They have this uncanny knack of spotting a conspiracy ANYWHERE they look. One such conspiracy theory formulated by the great conspiracy-theorist Ganina Xingli is as such.

Notice the similarities in the food served in various fast-food chains?

• Contains more oil than the Gulf War oil Spill

• Causes heart disease very successfully

• They ALWAYS taste the same
  

One similarity might have been passed as an anomaly, but these similarities seemed to be conforming into a unique pattern. Through these repeating patterns the great Ganina Xingli finally came up with a conspiracy theory to explain these similarities. He theorized that about 60 years ago, the Dalai Lama had a premonition about the global population going out of control. The governments of the world realized that the global population was increasing exponentially and was going to go out of control unless they did something.

So the governments of the world had a secret meeting in one of the thousands of caves somewhere in the mountain ranges of Kathmandu. Our country, Malaysia, or Malaya as it was known then was represented by our very own Tunku Abdul Rahman. Remember reading in our history books our Tunku went to Britain to negotiate our country's independence? Forget that, the fact is Tunku went with the British government to the mountain ranges of Kathmandu for the top secret meeting to discuss the global population crisis.

After 13 weeks and 37 hours, they came to a decision. They would set up "faster-die-food" chains around the world. At the same time, their top intelligence officers did their own research and found out that the name "faster-die-food" wasn't going to be very marketable. On the other hand, they found out that "fast-food" was far more marketable. So the name fast-food as we know today stuck.

The year was 1940. Notice that this is the SAME YEAR THAT MCDONALDS® WAS ESTABLISHED. Kentucky Fried Chicken popped out 10 years later as the governments were scared that their population control plan might be uncovered by people who were getting suspicious of McDonalds® monopoly of the fast-food market. Soon more and more fast-food chains followed suit and set up franchises all over the world.

Soon after the great Ganina Xingli uncovered this theory, the world was in a state of global panic. The governments knew they had to do something. And fast. So after another top secret meeting, this time the location was speculated to be in one of the gazillion rooms at the residence of the Sultan of Brunei, Hassanal Bolkiah Mu'izzaddin Waddaulah, they decided that the then-CEO of McDonalds®, Mr. Iam Stu Pid Andumb would sue the great Ganina Xingli in a $13.37 billion lawsuit for defamation.

But on the day the great Ganina Xingli was supposed to be prosecuted, police found that he had simply "vanished" from his holding cell. Hundreds of theories have been formulated as to what had happened to the great Ganina Xingli. Some say he died while crossing the border between the US and Mexico. Some say he migrated (see Hijrah) to Malaysia and assumed a new identity and lives until now.

It happened a long time ago. But conspiracy-theorists do not forget easily. This is the reason why there are anti-government protests and riots every now and then. They are not simply just "anti-government protesters". In fact they belong to the ancient clan that worships the great Ganina Xingli. Every year, on the twenty fourth day of the eleventh month, followers of the great Ganina Xingli gather in remembrance of the great Ganina Xingli and celebrate his work as one of the greatest conspiracy-theorists that ever lived, or still living.

PS: Did I mention my birthday was November 24^th?
PS 2: Try rearranging "Ganina Xingli"
PS 3: The above is totally rubbish, but thank you a million for spending your time reading.