Weird Sign

This post was inspired by Wayne. So I dedicate it to him, whether or not he likes it. :D

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Imagine if you're doing some work in college, be it mechanical or chemical work. Suddenly, :-

1. If you chose Mechanical Work, the electric saw you are working with suddenly goes haywire and saws off your left arm, leaving blood spurting out like a geyser and your now-detached left arm on the work table.
   


2. If you chose Chemical Work, you accidentally mix and successfully conjure up a cocktail of explosive compound. At the same time, that fat guy you despise that shares the same work table as you farts. His fart mixes with the explosive compound and BOOM. The next thing you know you're left arm is gone, replaced by a bloody stub, leaving your left arm on the work table.
   

What? You can't picture it in your mind? Crud, why do I need to do EVERYTHING around here…

Here, maybe this might help.

Hmm….something's not right here. Here lemme add some things……

THERE

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You then rush out from whatever room you're in, left arm in your right, and see, from a distance,

THE SIGN.

"I'm SAVED." You think.

You drag your unresponsive body towards the sign, knowing that first aid will be there.

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Approaching the sign……

Getting nearer……..

Nearer…….

.................

REACH the sign……

……..in a couple of moments you will

Reader : KANINA

You finally make it. Then....

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What the…..

FUCK?!

*Dies*

PS: I would like to thank Leung Keet for constantly introducing my blog in his posts. Therefore I have decided to do the same. Throughout this post, I have added so-called "Advertisements" to advertise Leung Keet's blog...and to irritate the hell out of my readers too. *evil grin*

Exam Blues

My trials started on Wednesday, which coincidentally was the 26th of March. Yeah, if you were wondering why in the world I would use the word coincidentally, you’re right to wonder. I just felt like using it. :D

Reader : *KANINACHAOCHEEBYEMOTHERFUCKINGDICKWAD

*I, Tan Ah Beng, the editor of LXN’s blog have decided to censor the profanity in the above statement in the interest of peace. I hereby assure you that I have censored the profanity so that the general public will not know that the phrase “KANINACHAOCHEEBYEMOTHERFUCKERDICKWAD” was used in LXN’sblog.

I won’t go into the emo story about how my computing lecturer has been nipping at our(the whole computing class) ankles for us to complete our Computing project and hand it in. Also, I won’t talk about how I didn’t manage to prepare for my trials and how I fucked my Chemistry paper because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before. Neither would I go into…….

Reader: “………………………….


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*Game Show Music*

Game Show Host : “Welcome to yet another episode of “GUESS WHAT THE READER IS GOING TO SAY”! This week’s price money has gone up by a GRAND $10,000..



*Gasps*

Game Show Host: “…Rupiah. Now now, calm down dear audiences we don’t want to overreact now. Now then, Today’s answer choices are as goes.”

A. KANINABUCHAOCHEEBYE
B. Goosfraba…..
C. Is this a joke?


If you’re in Malaysia, text your answers to 1337 or 133765536. Indonesia 1-337-BODOH. Bangladesh 1-300-N0013. United States 1-300-BUCK-FUSH. Singapore Line #1 1-N0T-K1A5U. Singapore Line #2 1-N0T-K14533. Singapore #3 1-R3411Y-N0t-K145U-13h

************************

*Malaysia got 2 lines, Singapore must have 3 lines, still say not kiasu…. =_=

Exam pressures. Just about anyone and everyone has experienced exam pressures, that’s unless you:

A. Are a Martian
B. Haha nice try, you’re still a Martian
C. ‘re last name is Hilton

When your mind finally starts losing it, and you try your best to act normal, at least YOU THINK you look and act normal. You know you're starting to lose it when you...

Start doing this in the library

Or

Take a cute ass and

Turn it into something inexplicable

Or starting thinking that you're a cyborg

But the best one of 'em all. The one that totally OWNs the rest, will HAVE to be

This

Through some profound way(read me), he managed to find a VERY lame online application that allows you to unravel roll after rolls of toilet paper. No, its not a scam, it really finishes. And after it finishes, you can just double click it to reset it.

And this idiot spent HOURS doing this vulgar thing.

Here's just to show that it actually moves

*END*

PS: Mel, you ARE HWAN CHU.

PS 2: I just noticed 3 new comments for my previous post on NDEs. The second one regarding my creativity I dont really care. It's the first one that I'm irritated by. You know what, FUCK YOU. I DECIDE what to write in my blog. And also, if you want to play me down, do it the correct way. Leaving anoynmous comments aint the way, you fool.

Leftover?

I bet a grand total of RM0.01 that the first thing that pops up in your mind is,” What’s with the half-eaten chicken rice?”

EXCEPT IT’S NOT HALF EATEN. THAT, IS A NEWLY OPENED PACKET OF F-U-C-K-I-N-G roasted pork chicken rice I bought from a F-U-C-K-I-N-G stall in Asia Café™.

I felt so fucking scammed when I saw the sad contents in the packet. Tulan la, I paid RM4 not to eat something that looks like leftover food. Okay, fuck the aesthetics then, STILL, there’s like 5 pieces of chicken and what, 4 pieces of roasted pork? Not to mention 3 pieces of fucumber(fucking cucumber).

And on top of that, when I asked for some ginger, you know, the kind that goes with chicken rice, THEY GAVE ME GRAVY. I still asked that stupid kanina so many times for my ginger, and when it came, it turned out to be fucking gravy.

But hey, in every cloud there’s a silver lining.
Just minutes before I bought my chicken rice, or should I say leftover rice, I picked up RM2 from the ground. The money was lying in the middle of the road where DOZENS of people were walking by. Why in the world they didn't pick it up is a mystery of its own. I conclude that it is either :

a. They’re too high class to bend over to pick up 2 pieces of RM1
b. Their noses are inclined too high to be able to see what’s on the ground, aka they’re too high class
c. My personal handwash costs RM82, good for 40 washes, which is equivalent to RM2.05 per wash. I will still lose RM0.05, no point picking it up. Or
d. All of the above

So that packet of leftover rice cost me RM2, which isn’t too bad come to think of it. But still, I’ll never go to that shop to tapau anything in the future.

KNN

Tragic Traffic Accident Sheds New Light on NDEs.

Subang Jaya: Self proclaimed Genius scientist LXN today shattered what scientists have longed believed to be true in a coincidental discovery that is now deemed by the scientific community as the discovery of the century(read Nonsensical Shit of the millennia). It was long believed that when people have near death experiences, or NDEs, they tend to “suddenly”, inexplicably obtain powers like the ability to see into the future for example.

Tombstone of Kok Shen's pocket money, donated graciously by the great LXN.

Pic courtesy of LNN

“That(link between NDEs and the “powers”), is all a load of fresh and stinking horseshit”
LXN when interviewed by Popular Sains™*

*The name Popular Sains™ was used to avoid a fucking lawsuit by Popular Science™ against LXN for illegally using their trademarked name

We were lucky enough to be able to arrange an interview with LXN as our editor, See Kia Soo was once his acquaintance. Below is a transcript of his statement.

At around approximately 9.18am this morning, our BELOVED classmate, Kok Shen was involved in a tragic traffic accident. Nope, that’s not the tragic part of the whole thing. The tragic part of it was that I was in his car when it happened.
Kok Shen was at the roundabout, there was a Nissan Frontier about to turn left to exit the roundabout. It already had its signal lights on. That is when Kok Shen came from the left and attempted to pass the Nissan. Unfortunately, with Kok Shen’s inferior driving skills, if you even call it skill, he didn’t pass the Nissan. I was tracking the Nissan from the corner of my eye when it hit Kok Shen’s car. It was there and then that I had my 0.02millisecond NDE.
OH FUCK were the first words I heard after my NDE, muttered by who else but the driver, Kok Shen. After the horrific(read pussy) collision, I heroically asked Kok Shen to pull aside as I didn’t want the drivers of other cars to suffer NDEs of their own.
It wasn’t until when I got home when I realized I had finally stumbled upon the discovery of the century(read Nonsensical Shit of the Millenia). I’d had my NDE, but WHERE THE HELL was my superhero powers? I realised that I finally had proof to prove that that NDEs were shit.

LXN’s great discovery will mean that Colleges and Universities’ lecture syllabuses would definitely have to be modified to follow LXN’s great discovery. When LXN first announced his discovery on Diskovery Channel™, there was a large outcry from both skeptics and Anti-LXN groups. These dickheads fuckers groups had gathered outside LXN’s palatial residence on top of Bukit LXN in the recently announced new Federal Territory LXN-Jaya.

Major police SWAT teams together with LXN’s personal Millitia have managed to contain the advancing fuckers groups. At the time of print, the fuckers groups have more or less dispersed, most likely due to excessive usage of mustard gas by the police.

While LXN might have made a lot of enemies with this great discovery(read shit), support for him hasn’t faltered either. From a survey conducted from our Public Relations office, 13.37% of all people interviewed supported LXN’s work. 26.74% of people said he deserved to be shot for such heresy. The rest either hung up when asked or screamed “FUCK YOU” into the receiver, then hung up.

We thank LXN for forcing our University to modify our syllabus, a process which will take at least 4 years, in which we will be FREE from all studies .
Gan Nee Na, Cowsford University

LXN ROXXORZ! LXN! IS! T3H! ROXXORZ! ROXXORZ IS T3H LXN!
Ian NotIn Sane, Taman Gembira Asylum

Correct Correct Correct! LXN LXN LXN! IS IS IS! ROXXORZ ROXXORZ ROXXORZ!
VK Lingam, soon-to-be-imprisoned Ex-lawyer

We at LNN and the public urges Kok Shen to stick this warning label on his car the next time he drives. Anyone supporting this should leave a comment. Think of it as a petition sort of thing.

We will keep our faithful readers updated on issues regarding LXN and his great discovery. Where News is Always Accurate and Fast, only here at LNN(LXN News Network).

T3h Nissan's Front Left End got own3d by Kok Shen's puny Myvi

Nah uh, those (fat) legs arent mine. They're Kok Shen's

No significant ownag3 to Kok Shen's Myvi. (I think it's reinforced Steel)

The Not-So Last Supper

I’m pretty much bored right now. So I’m not gonna talk much.
Someone suggested we go for supper on Wednesday night. At first it was just a few people, after Yours truly heard about it and started to spread the word, it became 8 people.
We planned to go after our library session. Since we believed that “Study is More Important Than Play”.

Reader : Yeah RIGHTTtt. Now tell me what you did for the 3 hours you were in the library.

With something as BIG as the supper coming up after the library session, Yours truly obviously couldn’t concentrate and ended up doing NOTHING but nonsensical chatter and bitching. For you girls that still didn’t know this, Yeah, guys CAN bitch, and pretty well too. Well, for me at least.
The library bell(Yes, ironic innit? A noisy BELL in the library, y’know the kind used in old hotels?) finally started sounding at around 9.45pm. Before you can realize that “Superduperthisworddoesntexistatall” is not a real word, I was already out of the library.
I’ll skip all the boring part about the trip to the destination and how fucked up the parking was(It was HORRIBLE, think LITTLE parking spots and LOTS of cars) and go straight to our supper. Even better, I’ll let the pictures tell the story, well, more or less.

Here’s what we ordered in the food court in SS2.
Ikan Bakar(grilled fish) – RM18
Char Kuay Teow - RM 4
Kueh Kak – RM3
Fried Oyster – RM10
Satay – RM16?
And finally….NEN NEN SQUID – RM10

I mean WHAT THE FCUK?! NEN-NEN SQUID? WHAT A NAME. For people who understand a tiny bit of mandarin and is a total no-no in written Mandarin, they’d think that it meant “Boob Squids” or “MILK squids?!”. Anyway the squid tasted like fried Twisties™, the BBQ flavoured one.
And hor, and hor, the Fried Oyster Lady hor, when William went to ask her, she spoke HOKKIEN to him. According to him, she didn’t know how to speak Mandarin. And Wadaya know, Yours Truly came to the rescue. See people? It pays to know more than just Cantonese :D
Budden hor, that’s not what I wanted to say, what I wanted to say is this. THE FRIED OYSTER SUCKS. Like what one of my friends said, “RM10 fried egg”.

Here’s us at some lousy food court in SS2. Trust me the food there is L-O-U-S-Y. Well the ikan bakar(grilled fish) wasn’t TOO bad, but still I’ve eaten better.

WAIT! Notice anything weird about the second pic? I meant OTHER than those fingers by the gay and the half gay.

Apparition!

And AS IF it wasn’t enough, LEUNG KEET suggested a SECOND ROUND. Suddenly the night seemed so young to me.
No one seemed to object, so off we went to some mamak called Murni just a block away from that demented food court. My, was I in for a surprise. It was total 0wn@g3. The ENTIRE row of shoplot was arranged with tables. From one far end to the other. I admit, as much as I’ve seen 0wn@g3, this owns ‘em all. There were SO MANY tables and just that much workers, I’m amazed they can cope with all the demands of cranky customers like myself.
At first we sat outside since there wasn’t any rain. After our drinks came and I, Yes, after YOURS TRULY SAT DOWN, it started FUCKING drizzling, be it lightly. We had to stand around holding our drinks like fools while waiting for some fuckers to leave. And some finally did after about 10 minutes and a whole bunch of curses under my breath.
And guess what that FUCKER Ah Xhieng@Jien did. He’d finished his Teh Tarik, so he chucked his glass amongst the dishes and glasses the previous customers had left behind. RM1 saved. Darn, anyone having trouble with saving money, approach him for help please.

FUCK. What happened to my supposedly short post? Abrupt end coming up. END.

Skim Cepat Kaya

You know how I sometimes complain about having too much time and have no idea how to waste my time? You don’t? Well, NOW you do. So, I was having one of these moments one day, so I just sat there and began to think about the many ways that I can get rich.

So, I’ve come to a conclusion.

Reader #1 : You’re gonna rob a bank?
Reader #2 : Steal cars?
N00b Reader #3 : Go out raping every girl and dog you see?
Reader #1 & #2 : WTF?!!111oneoneone

I’m going to open a food stall. :D

*Silence*

*****

*The swearing starts*

No SERIOUSLY. I CAN get rich by opening a food outlet. I shall take my class as an example. My class has roughly [Insert correct number here] people. During breaks, at least half of us will go as a group to some food outlet for lunch, late-breakfast or whatever you might call it.

Here we see at least 9 people together. Before you go “KNN EIGHT ONLY LAR”, did you remember to add me, the photographer?

This is the same photo, taken from a different angle by Yew Wayne@Wayne.

Same photo, taken by Leung Keet I think. Here I generously help him in advertising his blog. To anyone who's interested in reading his daily rants, here's the link to his blog.

Oh look, there I am.

One thing I HATE is this.

Kanina. LOOK WHAT LOOK? Never see people put umbrella on table before meh? Well…maybe not, but DON’T STARE LA. Kanina. Spoil my fucking picture nia.

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I admit I went a LITTLE bit overboard with this shit. But I swear to god, once you start doing it, you start replacing every single face you can find in the picture. :D

More pictures...

There's twelve of us there.

Reader : 1...2...3..4..5...6...7...8...KANINA, EIGHT ONLY

Trust me when I say 12.

After our badminton session, the whole group went to A&W for a drink. Rats, well there goes my fucking diet plans. All gone with a single sacharin-saturated drink.

When Starbucks announced they were having a promotion and that a cuppa only cost RM1.80, we being Kiasu monkeys naturally flocked to the otherwise forbidden territory. Come one lah, how often do you get to enjoy Starbucks for only RM1.80?

As you can see, I am building up momentum for the finale. The number of people in each pictures are getting more and more. At least 14 people here.

And finally....

SEVENTEEN PEOPLE. That's almost like the whole class with the exception of my class rep.

Okay, so back to my Get Rich Scheme(Skim Cepat Kaya).

Let's take that picture up there as an example. There are 17 people, and each meal cost a flat RM5.00. That'll give you RM85 in under an hour. I'll calculate by classes. Let's say there are 5 classes eating at any given time. That's RM425 in an hour.

I estimate that they run their business for 12 hours. RM425 x 12 = RM5100

Say their net profit is 20%. That'll give me RM1020, which is RM30600 a month.

Subtract that by the employees salary. 30600-(600 x 12) = RM23400

Let's say the shop is in a nice location, that means that the rental will be high, say RM10000.

RM23400 - RM10000 = RM13400

RM13400 for me to spend on unlimited candy, a 12Mbps broadband connection, a quad-SLI 8800Ultra rig, and other what-nots.

So I was thinking about what car I was going to buy and where my new Condo would be situated while drooling the whole time.

The only problem now is that to actually START the business, I'd need a big-ass capital, which I estimate at around at least RM1 million. Anyone?

My Not-So First First Post

*Enters in a lame fashion*

Reader : Wah...j00 are BACK!

LXN : Back, lame as ever.
Reader : Kewl!!111!1
LXN : Ahem, you should be saying "Lame!111!!!1"

Ok, before you start pointing fingers going all," Waaaaa....another wannabe creating a blog ah."
Let's make things clear. I am NOT new to the scene of blogging. I have just merely been on an extended extended break.

New Reader : Kanina, dont so ai bin(save face) lah. New say new lah.

Fine fine, check this out. Dates waaay back to 2005. I was just too lazy to migrate from MSNspaces to a new home. Also, additional proof here. Dont say I didnt try. I DID, but laziness got the better of me. :D

Okay, enough of the boring and lame introductions. Let's see what I've been up to lately.

First up....

Boredom plus a tiny pinch of lameness and a tinge of creativity.

The ass belongs to Patma, a classmate of mine.


Reader : *unintelligble sounds*
LXN : HAIYA, WHAT you giggling at la? That ass DOES belong to him lah.

ASS

ASS

ASSES

Stucked-up Ass? :P

ASS

NOT THIS ASS, MOFO

One thing I've noticed about Blogger is that when creating new posts, the space to type in is SO SMALL. WTF, I didnt get a 19" monitor to stare at this small as hell window.

Next up, and prolly the last

Tadaaaa.....

.

Today Limpeh si buay proud. Limpeh eh family members long zhong bo ti. Limpeh tio kaki cook, bathe, play. Limpeh eh Lao Bu buay ki hor Limpeh RM. Cham liao lar, Limpeh bo lui buay ming kia jiak. To buay jiak cao liao. Tapi Limpeh gao, Limpeh pak tian oa hor Limpeh eh Lao Bu, mui ee an chua chu flied lice. Liao Limpeh kaki chu flied lice. Teh yit tao chu flied lice, Limpeh bo sure eh chu ka an chua. Tapi bo pian, Limpeh ghuey tao gao, chu ka ah ne ho jiak. Poon lai si ai lao jiak no tao eh, tapi Limpeh soot ka liao, soot ka bo choon. Siao liao la, Limpeh eh Diet cho th'ng liao.

* LXN sincerely apologises to the readers who have little or no idea of whatever the hell LXN was writing above. He got too carried away and started blabbering in Hokkien. In the interest of those who wish to understand what LXN was blabbering about, below is a rough translation by our translator, Tan Ah Beng*

Today Limpeh am very proud. Limpeh's family members all not home. Limpeh have to cook, bathe and play by Limpeh self. Limpeh's mother din give Limpeh any money. Limpeh is in deep shit. Limpeh no money buy food eat. Limpeh have to eat grass already. But Limpeh smart, Limpeh hit the telephone to Limpeh's mother, ask Limpeh's mother how to cook fried rice. Then Limpeh self cook fried rice. It is the number 1 time Limpeh cook fried rice. Limpeh donch know will cook until how. But no choice(bo pian = no choice = what to do), Limpeh too smart, cook until so nice eat(ho jiak = nice eat = delicious). At first Limpeh want to eat twice one(eat for 2 meals), but Limpeh eat until finish, eat until nothing left. Deep shit liao, Limpeh's Diet make soup(cho th'ng = make soup = spoilt plan) liao.

Alrighty, that should be enough for a first post. Be seeing ya!

BTW That fried rice really is my first attempt. And I couldn't have begged for anything better than how it turned out to be. Thanks mum! :D:D