SPCA

I saw a sign the other day while walking pass some notices. At first I couldn't figure out what the hell attracted me so much to that sign. I took a picture anyway.

At home, after looking at the picture more carefully, THEN I realized.

This is preposterous. They use ANIMALS to symbolize SPCA. So Spastic Children = Animals? And YET we call ourselves humans. :P

Oo! Oo! I know this one. This is where the spastic children live right? No?

Today's feature person is none other than Chow "I don't simply fall asle..ZZZ" Loong Jin™.

He is truly a rare species, one which you can find nowhere else in the world. Heck, experts have even compared him to the laziest animals.

A Slow Loris

A you already know what it is

This guy can fall asleep ANYWHERE.

In class where its freezing. This I understand because it could be triggered by his natural instincts of self preservation.

To prove how dead he is while sleeping, we even put a bottle on top of his head.

The bottle never stood a motherfucker of a chance. It NEVER moved.

This is crazy.

A COFFEESHOP. Right after his lunch, he plops down and sleeps. He even gave his glasses a bath in the Ajinomoto saturated gravy of his lunch. And I thought I was the pig.

That ends the special guest feature section.

Traffic lights, anyone?Merah Berhenti. Kuning Perlahan. Hijau Jalan. Quoted from some annoying Astro commercial.

The FMG

I've had a motherfucking busy few days. First of all, my com DIED on me. Let's see, it all started one fine Friday afternoon in College. I was in the library, plugged in my pendrive, and unplugged it when I left. When I got home, I realised a FREAKIN VIRUS had crept into my damn pendrive. No it wasn't those lousy viruses that you can easily delete, this one was a fucking prick. I had to google on ways to remove it, I did so, missed ONE TINY but CRITICAL INSTRUCTION, and fucked Windows. Man Windows Sux...

I had wanted to post something THAT very night. But the death of my com delayed everything. So, FUCK YOU STUPID COLLEGE KID. DOWNLOAD YOUR F-U-C-K-I-N-G PORN SOMEWHERE ELSE LAH. MOTHERFUCKERCHAOCHEEBYEKANINABUNABEHLANJIAOTUALAMPASIMOPENG*

*The above polymer of profanities can be broken down into 7 monomers, namely Motherfucker, ChaoCheeBye, Kaninabu, Nabeh, Lanjiao, Tualampa, SiMopeng. LXN would like to stress that under no circumstances should normal mortals attempt to use this profanity as it could be too long and you might die of lack of oxygen.

Since I'm on such a pissing rant-page(rampage), I shall continue with this. On the very same day(Friday), I was circling around the parking zone at Carrefour(It's pronounced Car-FOO, NOT Care-Four, FOO). I saw this fat Malay guy( I shall explain why I described him as such later) and his (Girlfriend, Mother, Daughter, Mistress, Sister) walking towards their car. So I drove stopped near them, turned on my signal light, and waited patiently.

Now I believe you already know that I'm a two-faced monkey. When I'm nice I'm EXTREMELY nice, but push it and I can be more evil than the Devil. And this FAT MALAY GUY(FMG) was PUSHING IT. After waiting in my car for 5(FIVE) FUCKING minutes, the FMG was still halfway through transferring the stuff from the trolley to his fucking car boot. Not that it was heavy as hell, it was JUST a FEW PUNY PLASTIC BAGS.


Another 2 minutes passed, Mr. FMG FINALLY finished transferring his stuff. I was about to mutter,"Finallyyyyyy" under my breath, WHEN HE STARTED TAKING STUFF OUT FROM THE CAR BOOT, and started loading some of it into the back seat.

MOTHERFUCKERCHAOCHEEBYEKANINASAIBOLANJIAOHAMBANCHAOAHPUI.


The FMG FINALLY finished his loading and got into his car.


*silence*


Reader : Phew?

Reader #2 : Finallyyyy?


LXN : I believe the right word to say is CHAOCHEEBYELANJIAOKANINABUCHAOJIBIETBOLAMPATIAOLULAOBU.

HE WAS IN THE CAR FOR FIVE MINUTES AND STILL HE DIDN'T COME OUT.



SEE THAT PERSON ON THE RIGHT? Mr. FUCKING FMG was SOOOOOO SLOW that TWO OTHER PEOPLE LEFT BEFORE HE DID. I WOULD'VE taken their spots but other people were already there. Still I did not honk, see how civic conscious I am? :P



When I least expected it, ANOTHER car parked about 2 or 3 cars away from Mr. KANINA FMG suddenly came out. I was ON TO THE SPOT faster than you can say "ChaoKaninaSaiBoLampa". On the way there I stopped behind Mr. LANJIAO FMG, who at that time STILL WASN'T OUT, for a total of 10 seconds, before turning into my new spot. I quickly locked my car, applied the steering lock and came out of my car as I wanted to show some rude hand gestures. When I got out, he MIRACULOUSLY was already at the other end of the parking zone. Geez, I wonder what made him speed up SO MUCH.


That fucking prick. I hope he crashes. Our country doesn't need this type of motherfuckers. And the reason why I called him the Fat Malay Guy was BECAUSE HE WAS THAT. I'm not being racist or anything. If he were a Chinese I would've called him something just as bad, or even worse. Dont start with that reason," Aiyah, he didn't see you mah.". He saw me alright, if I was close enough for the photos, I was close enough for him to see me.

PS : I found a picture which was taken er...6 years ago.

Fat meh? Not fat hor? Hor? Just a little more meat than your average 13-year old mah :)

Same one leh. Where got difference

A Change of Title

A change was imminent. The only question was when.

Nope, this ain't a full-length post. But you won't leave with nothing. :D

Here accept my small gift.

Al-Fucker?!

Al-FuckHer?

All-Fuckers?!

Al The Fucker?!

An Insight To Kok Shen®’s Daily Life

Before I begin, I would like to petition against this seemingly harmless everyday object.

Harmless? Think again.

IT DID THIS TO ME LEH.......

Reader #1 : KA

Reader #2 : NI

Reader #3 : NACHAOCHEEBYELANJIAOTUALAMPASAI……

OI…It tore one of the few wearable shirts that I have lerr. Luckily it caught my shirt, it COULD've been a piece of my shoulder. Now I'd have one less shirt to wear, not to mention the unimaginable psychological pain it'll cause me. Kanina.

So DO THE RIGHT THING. SAY NO TO THIS EVIL.

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After briefly talking about him in a previous post of mine, some people might be more curious about this Kok Shen® guy. No worries, that's why I'm here.

We'll look at the mornings first.

He starts the day like every other guy, yalah yalah, and girl too lah. There, I'm not sexist hor?

Kok Shen® shares a common characteristic with my favourite advertiser, Leung Keet. They both like to get to College REALLY early. When asked, they say the same thing, " Because want to park in front of College marr.."

Well enough of that, SO, when you finally reach College, chances are that Kok Shen® will already be there.

And if he's there, you'd probably see this. Hell, it's so familiar that half of us won't even notice it.

Or this if you're coming from the other direction

WHAT the HELL is he doing there? Counting the leaves right in front of him?

After 10 minutes,

AMAZINGLY, he's STILL THERE! And somehow he managed to convince someone to join him in his pointless ponderings. Crud, I LOVE THAT. Pointless Ponderings. Anyway, unfortunately, his partner in crime caught me while trying to snap a few shots of them, and slammed the door shut.

Well, if they think that a bloody door would keep me away, THINK AGAIN :D

Here we see them changing poses. Kok Shen®'s new partner in crime has adopted Kok Shen®'s classic pose, while Kok Shen® himself has changed into the Hey-wassup-I'm-gay pose.

Anyone interested in getting to know Kok Shen® can call him at this number. 019-3189FUCK YOU LAH, you thought I'll really let my readers know that his number is 0193189223 meh?(Oops) Although I don't censor people's number plates or faces or anything, I still maintain a level of privacy.

PS: That phone number is fake. Don't bother with it.

Whey wasn’t a scam. THIS is

This is a public service reminder by LXN.

A follow up post to my last post about Whey.

True to the title, Whey isn't a scam. But this

is a BIG-assed scam.

What is it you may ask. Ok, ok, I get it, my readers ARE a little slow sometimes. See how right after the picture I said it was a BIG ASS SCAM? Yep, that's what it is.

You could at least guess from the logo that it has something to do with lame mangosteens.

XanGo^® Juice: A Delicious Dietary Supplement

"A delicious dietary supplement, XanGo Juice harnesses the nutritional power of the whole mangosteen fruit through a potent proprietary formula. Just one to three ounces each day unleashes a concentrated rush of xanthones—a vigorous family of phytonutrients. The best part: sensational flavor that'll keep you coming back for more and more.

XanGo ensures exceptional product quality standards from the mangosteen tree to the bottle of XanGo Juice. Each bottle meets strict ISO standards and passes hundreds of quality tests before the premium dietary supplement is served to consumers worldwide."

Quoted from the Official XanGo® website

They are a private multi-level marketing company. That means you would have uplines and downlines. They STRONGLY advise you to join as an agent, once you've been scammed, they hope you'd go on and scam your friends and family. It's like a lameshit plan to saturate the world with mangosteen juice-dependant zombies by the year 2666.

Now we're done with the Whats. Let's go on with the Whys.

Reader : Aiyah, give you anything you also don't like one lah. So choosy, this don't like, that don't like.

XanGo® claims that their mangosteen-piss juice has "more than 20 health benefits", among which include "anti-inflammatory", "anti-microbial", "anti-fungal", "anti-Bush", "anti-viral", "anti-cancer", "anti-ucer"

*pauses to breathe*

"anti-rhinoviral", "anti-allergic", "anti-Pak Lah", "anti-Christ", "ANTIMONY"

So far there have been NO solid proof that all these "miracles" are true. And the American Cancer Society only succeeded in proving that this juice-from-hell MIGHT have some promise in treating ACNE. Not only that, it has negligible nutritional contents.

If it tasted half as good as my Whey, I'd still drink it. Too bad it tastes like vinegar added with sugar and purple coloring.

Now on to the Hows.

This is the MOTHER of all scams. Each bottle is RM100++. I really don't understand. WHY WOULD anyone believe in the fake claims made by the company? Mark my words, this WILL go down as the BIGGEST legal scam in history.

I bet the CEO of XanGo is sitting on his newly-acquired US$133.7 million private luxury yatch somewhere over the Carribbean, laughing his FAT ass off, a vintage 1870 French Whiskey in one hand, a skanky hooker picked up somewhere off the coast of Jamaica in the other. By now he has probably scammed enough to

• Afford a US$12,000/day executive hooker for the rest of his life and his son's
  
• Change a new luxury yatch every year
  
• Own his own country complete with his own Navy and Army.
  
• Rebuild the Great Wall of China, with wads of $100 bills. Twice.

I urge EVERYONE NOT to fall prey to this scam. If a company claims that its products have miraculous healing "powers", INSIST on seeing proof that their product actually works and is proven scientifically. Do NOT rely on word by mouth. Even if that person is your Ah Ma, Ah Gong, Ah Bu, Ah Pa, Ah Beng, Ah Lian, Ah Tu(pig),Ah Kau(Si Anjing) or whoever. If they've experienced "miracles", it probably the placebo effect playing up, or they could just be too embarrassed to admit that they've been scammed.

Whey Is Not The Cheating Way

Let's go into some history.

If you hadn't already known, Whey is the by-product of cheese production. In other words, the WASTE generated by the production of stinkin' cottage cheese.
Until recently, the waste product generated during this production would either be :-

• Incinerated
• Fed to the pigs
  

Then scientists found a way to isolate the "useful" strings of protein from the supposed "waste product", deriving Whey protein. The high concentrations of protein in Whey(protein) has made it extremely popular amongst bodybuilders and other athletes.

Here's where our lesson ends, and my rants begin.

After being lectured and nagged by Sean for an EXTREMELY long time and because I myself was curious, I decided to try this wonderful Whey shit out.
I did exactly what the motherfucker in me would do. I went BIG the very first time. Despite the various sizes available, I got one of the biggest sizes around. Five bloody pounds of Double Rich Chocolate mix that would last me a good 77 days.

When some people first heard of me buying Whey, they were like, "Aiya, what eat that drug?" . Or "Natural better la, don't cheat lah." This is the main reason why I'm writing this post. To clear things out.

If Whey was indeed a "drug", it wouldn't be legal. And yes, being natural is the best, Whey is 100% natural. Heck it's derived from COW's MILK. You'd be better off screaming to a toddler who is sucking on his milk bottle,"DON'T DRINK THAT! NATURAL BETTER LA, DON'T CHEAT LAH".

Ever experienced this? After exercising, the next day your whole body, or at least the body part which you used the most the day before would hurt like hell. I have been taking this shit for about 2 weeks now. One of the immediate things I noticed was that my muscles no longer hurt after working out. I figured all that protein in my whey drink helped accelerate my muscle recovery. No, I'm not kissing the feet of the Whey God yet, this COULD very well be a placebo effect.

According to the Dietary Rederence Intake guidelines, women aged 19-70 need to consume a minimum of 46 grams of protein/day, while for men the minimum is 56g/day. To all aspiring anorexics out there, my whey contains 24g of protein, that's 42.86% of your daily requirement. So 2 glasses of my protein drink is all you need to avoid being malnutrished.*

*This is a reminder by the editor, Tan Ah Beng. LXN was merely talking rubbish when he said that. He strongly advices for aspiring anorexics NOT to follow what he said. LXN will not be responsible for what happens if anyone tries it.

It's also economical. 24g of extra protein at around RM2.73 per serving.I'm not saying it's cheap. Let's compare.

• Big Mac - 26g -RM5(comes with Heart Disease, Diabetes, High Cholestrol and Obesity)
• Cheeseburger - 15g - RM4
• Fillet-O-Fish - 15g - RM4
• Large Fries - 4g - RM3(comes with Heart Disease)

As you can see, every SINGLE one of them is more expensive than Whey, not to mention you'll die faster too.

So to all anti-Whey motherfuckers out there, find something else to be Anti against. You won't win in the argument to prove that Whey is bad.

Crap Crab

Something REALLY exciting happened to me just now. SO EXCITING it was that I decided to blog on it IMMEDIATELY after I got home.

TADDAAAA~~~Look at what I got~

Reader : *speechless*

Hey, now my holidays hor, and for me holidays = boredom. So something of this scale happening is considered BIG. :D

After all I DID practically come from a jungle and a fishing village(Sarawak&Terengganu, they're both interchangable)

It's even got its own holographic anti-forgery sticker~~

For those of you cursing profanities at me right now, stop. You should be KISSING my feet right now. First of all, one of the reasons for my lack of updates is because my old memory card was already full, crammed tight with porn pictures and songs. Well, to the hell with the old card, nothing else I can say to it, except Thank You for your service, be it a little short.

Nah, I wont miss you. I'll be too busy drooling over my new memory card for the next few years to give a shit about you.

Back to my topic of the day.

I was so happy I decided to treat my friends
A couple of my friends gathered for supper at Asia Cafe, totally forgetting the herecy that happened to me not too long ago.
Leung Keet, yesh, that kind soul who always advertises for me for FREE in his blog, suddenly brought up the idea of ordering some crap crab.


Everyone was anxious for that crab to come, especially the STUPID SATAY lady Put Aeroplane on our Chicken Satay Order.


None was as excited as Leung Keet was.

I was expecting nothing less that a Gourmet Alaskan King Crab-ish-like dish. A bottle of the finest Cabernet Sauvignon red wine would greatly compliment the dish.

Well, ok, maybe I'm just a tiny bit overexpecting

Nothing prepared me for the horrors that I was going to face. What I got instead was a red slurry of crap with crab. With some lousy bread that looked like an oversized horse's penis. Baked.

Hell, it looked like someone ate too much curry and threw up all over my crap crab.

The crap crab costed RM18. For RM18 I could buy like 6 crabs of that size and eat to my heart's content, or become a fat ass, whichever comes first.

And the baked horse's penis bread costed RM2.50. Two FREAKIN fifty for that piece of shit. Seriously this is a total rip off. With RM2.50 I could get TWO loaves of Gardenia bread and stuff myself till I die.

Also worth mentioning is that the crappy crap crab doesn't taste good either. Motherfuckers...

I'll be back.....

Currently suffering from a random severe bout of Writer's Block.

Combine that with my lack of outings in this 2 week holiday of mine, you'll get crappy updates like this one.

No worries, (hopefully) I'll be back with more rubbish once I get over my writer's block and when College starts(cause there's where all the action takes place).

Meanwhile, just sit back, and look through some of these motherfucking pictures that sadly didn't make it into The Star's picture column. If it did, I would be a happier motherfucker with RM50 more in his pockets.



Customer : Eh taukeh, got wad nice to eat ar?
Taukeh : Neh, try our famous Black PAPER chicken. Veli nice wan.

Customer : Walau eh
Taukeh : Har? Don like ar? Then try our NODDLE lor.

I had this itch when I was in Genting not too long ago. Trust me, that damn thing itched like a motherfucker. Scratched I did at it. When I took a look at it, I noticed it looked like a ggggggggg...ghost.

Can't visualize? Not to worry. I already prepared for your incompetence and ineptness. This drawing should help with the visualisation.

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Tourist : *walks into heritage building in Malacca*

Worker : Eh, tuan i mean Sir, you kenot wok into the billding. Please tack off your shouse first.

Tourist : WTF?

Dumb Malaysians.

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Sean showed me this trick. Nope, he didn't teach me exactly how to do it. I just figured it out myself. Yeah, great ain't I?

PS : Take a look at the survey over at the right side. Do your part, choose what you would like to read.